This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”  Jeremiah 6:16a

Having lived through the trauma of a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage and the ensuing chaos that extricating myself created, I’ve tended to avoid similar situations in other’s lives at all costs.  Just the recovery from that time in my life was one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do. But I vowed to the Lord that I would obey Him in His promise to turn the broken and dirty ashes of my life into something beautiful that honors Him.  

So, in obedience, I don’t always avoid those situations in the lives of those around me. But the questions then come:  How to wade in? When to step in and help and when to stay away? How much help do I give without compromising myself and my family? 

These are all very important questions with which I struggle. As a recovering codependent, walking through challenging times with others gives me a perfect opportunity to practice. It’s like that old warning about praying for patience…When you pray for patience, God will send you situations that require patience! 

As a result of my obedience, I have had the chance to walk through some situations with women who are battling difficult experiences similar to the ones I’ve had. Working with these women to offer hope and the help that I can has caused me to face vestiges of my own trauma:  Insomnia, flashbacks, anxiety and all the other lovely things that come along with my body trying to protect me from a bad situation. 

When this happens, one useful thing for me has been a concept that I learned from listening to the Dr. John Delony show. Our body’s ancient survival instinct does not understand the passage of time.  The fight or flight response that God gave us for our protection does not differentiate between past and present. When we remember a past traumatic event, our body responds as if it is happening to us right now. When we are in a situation that is similar to trauma that we’ve experienced in the past, like when I am helping another woman going through trauma, our brain and body are trying to protect us by telling us to either fight or to flee. But what our wonderful bodies don’t realize unless we tell them, is that particular situation is not taking place at this time.  And there is a phrase, said REPEATEDLY OUT LOUD to myself and to others, that has been the special sauce that has made all the difference in me being able to help others experiencing trauma: “This is not happening to me right now.” It’s enough to calm down my heart rate, give me perspective and eventually be able to get a full night’s sleep. 

Additionally, I have also found Dr. Delony’s further advice helpful. He suggests that we thank our bodies and our brains for protecting us; they’ve done a wonderful job but now is not the time to fight or flee.

I am not an expert at serving hurting people; there have been myriad tomes published in this field by those qualified to speak on such matters.  I merely have found a few things that have helped and I’ve written them down for myself and for you, dear readers.

1. Have a support person/s.  My husband is my number one champion in this area. His goal is to protect me from situations that will cause me harm.  He does this through listening to my desires and where I feel the Lord is leading me and offers wise counsel and spiritual support through prayer and scripture. As I am a chronic over-committer, he helps me keep a margin in my life.  I also have friends that I can reach out to that will pray for me in a certain situation or at a certain time.  This has proved invaluable.  You can also share your feelings with a counselor or with your small group. 

   Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.  Proverbs 15:22

   Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2

2. Tag team. In a crisis that I am assisting in, I like to have another individual who I can speak to candidly about our collective involvement. We make sure that we keep each other apprised of the situation as we understand it and support each other in a united front during our interactions with the crisis. We also pray together and help each other maintain a healthy mindset and approach to all the difficult situations that we are dealing with in our lives.

   Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

3. Cheerleaders. Encouragement is something that is often overlooked, but can really make or break your success in a situation.  When I have been feeling all used up, I recharge by spending time with people that build me up through their encouragement.  I’ve heard it said that people will not always remember what you say, but they will remember how you make them feel.  

   Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

4. Love freely. Don’t love your own advice more than the person you’re serving. Sometimes, people will ask for advice, listen intently and then go do the exact opposite. Let that not deter you from loving them. We can offer advice, but it is not our life to live. 

5. Time with God.  I find so much joy in meditating on God’s inspired Scriptures while I am gardening, cooking, folding wash or cleaning. There is something about working with my hands and seeing a result while I listen to God’s Word that really resonates with me. While I do not personally wear a phylactery or have a tattoo of Scripture, I love the practical idea and visible symbols of that.

   “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:4-9 NIV 

6. Slow down. Wait to respond when someone asks you for help. Spend some time thinking about and getting some feedback before you respond. You will be able to follow through on your commitment without regrets. When you establish a pattern of giving some thought to a situation and then consistently follow through on that thoughtful response, others will experience you as reliable and a person of integrity.

   Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Proverbs 4:26 

   Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.  Proverbs 13:3

7. Rest. There will be an emotional toll on you as you help others, so make space in your life to absorb that so that you don’t get burned out.  Sometimes, I need as much time to recover from an emotional situation as I spend in it. Perhaps it is one and a half times as much…whatever it is for you, allow yourself the recovery time.  

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Proverbs 4:23

Everchanging and fraught with peril is how I sometimes think of the road that our God is asking us to walk in the service of His beloved children.  I started this blog with the reflection on Jeremiah 6:16a because it reminds me of the choices that I have been faced with and how I craved the wisdom of the ancient paths. I see many around me who face these same choices.  The part of the verse that I left off in the beginning is: “But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’ The heartbreak of Israel’s infidelity is a cautionary tale to all who choose not to walk in the good ways or ask for the ancient paths.

“Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.  But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’ “ Jeremiah 6:16

Finally, sisters, know that our dear Father loves each one of us so very deeply that He will go to great lengths to reconcile us to Him. Each appointment in our lives can be divine, each crossroads we hesitate in can be the prelude to a good, good way in which we will find rest for our souls. 

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.

Why do you complain, <Sister>?
    Why do you say, <daughter>,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:26-31

ABOUT OUR BLOGGER

Sarah Flowers lives in idyllic Chadds Ford, where she is steeped in beauty and connection to the land and its history. She loves coffee and flowers and getting to know Jesus. A lifelong learner, she seeks to follow God’s plan to bring justice to the under-resourced. Sarah is a self-declared serial optimist and melodiphile; there’s always a path to the sunny side and a soundtrack for the journey! She is a mom and wife and a grateful alumna of Northwood University. Her former iterations include automotive professional and shoe diva. Sarah serves on the Deacon Team at Willowdale Chapel.