First of all, I am so over that song. Flashback to every wedding I’ve attended since that song came out. And oh, how humbling it is at 36 to be standing next to a 12-year-old junior bridesmaid during a bouquet toss. Though I usually do have a height advantage…
In case it’s not clear, I’m single and have been for quite some time. Growing up, I never went through a “I’m not interested in dating” phase. Not that I was boy-crazy, but I definitely had crushes and was always open to the idea of dating and marriage. I thought that it would just naturally happen. That doesn’t appear to be the case…And it’s not as uncommon as one might think. There’s a lot the Bible has to say to singles and many books have been written on the subject. I won't be able to cover everything! But I thought I could encourage those of you who are not single to love the singles in your life well.
I have wonderful, supportive friends and family, but we often only ‘know what we know’ and that usually comes from our life experiences. It’s impossible to see the struggles of someone in a different life situation with perfect clarity, so there are always ways that all of us can learn to love each other better.
1. Know your single friends.
Not all of us singles are made equal. My experience will not be someone else’s. The advice I’m writing may or may not be directly applicable to every situation. They may be completely at peace with being single. They may not want to get married, at least right now. They may desire it very much and be struggling. Also, people are single for lots of reasons -- widowed, divorced, never married, choice, waiting. There are age differences at play -- being single in your 20s is different than in your 50s. Don’t just assume you know. And don’t be afraid to ask. You can even say, “Hey, I read this blog and I’d like to share it with you. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it.” That can open a conversation about what resonates with them and what doesn’t. God made and created each of us (“Your hands have made and fashioned me.” Psalm 119:73) with unique desires and we are all at a different place in our journey.
2. Pray for them.
Singleness is not a disease that needs to be prayed away. There is nothing wrong with us. It is not God’s “second best.”
We are not better or worse than our married peers. “There is neither Jew nor Greek…(or married or single-added by me) for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28
It’s not a curse, but just like marriage, rather a gift (“I wish that all were as myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” I Corinthians 7:7). One I’d like to return sometimes, but the ‘gift of singleness’ is a whole other post!
Our identity is in Christ, and we are His daughters, just like those of you who are married are. “See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1-2
As you seek to pray intentionally for all your friends, but specifically those who are single, please understand that singleness may or may not be the biggest issue in your friend’s life.
Yes, singleness is part of my current identity, but it is not my whole identity, and it is not my foundational identity -- that remains in Christ.
Find out what’s going on with them. Maybe their boss at work is causing stress. Maybe they are having a conflict with a family member. Maybe they are in fact discouraged, feeling lonely and struggling to walk with integrity as desires remain unmet. Maybe the rejection from online dating experiences is hitting a particularly tender part of their heart.
And this may change over time. There are some seasons when I am more at peace with being single and some when I have very deep and raw feelings about it. But I will always welcome your prayers. So, anyone reading this, assuming it’s more than just my mom (Hi Mom!), I’ll take all the prayers I can get for perseverance as I wait in expectancy for how God will work. But that’s just me. That’s not the case for everyone.
3. Be mindful in conversations.
Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing what’s going on with my friends and loved ones. Talk about your marriage, your kids, your pregnancy. I care about you and how you’re doing. But sometimes those conversations get long. I need this reminder too: “Be quick to hear, slow to speak.” James 1:19
I don’t need you to talk specifically about singleness or ask how online dating is going (usually poorly…) but maybe we can discuss movies or books or play a game…I can try to change the topic as well, but just be mindful -- if the conversation has been surrounding birth stories for over an hour, there will probably be several people who are grateful that you changed the subject or started a side conversation.
Thanks for taking some time to ‘listen to’ these three gentle reminders. Look for Part 2 with more tips on August 19!
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Danielle (Dani) Rupp grew up in a small town in Ohio and is a true Buckeye fan, though she tries not to be obnoxious about it. In 2011 she came to Pennsylvania to earn her Master of Social Work degree. Dani returned last year from South Asia, where she volunteered with International Justice Mission, learned to tolerate spicy food and cross the roads without being hit.