God, can you really love me?
I snoozed my alarm for the sixth time this morning. I was going to pray on the way to work, but I got distracted by counting all the things I have to do today in my head.
Then I listened to Rihanna for the rest of the drive.
Can you really love me?
I had the perfect opportunity to tell my coworker about you. She even looked ready to listen. I could have invited her to church or asked her those questions I’ve been practicing.
But I felt awkward, so I started talking about her shoes instead.
Can you really love me?
I had another panic attack. I don’t know what caused it. I should have opened my Bible or asked you for help, but instead I opened a bottle of wine and drank until the bad feelings went numb.
I missed Bible study because I couldn’t stop throwing up.
Can you really love me?
I saw a photo my best friend posted on Instagram today. For a brief moment I found myself wishing just one bad thing would happen in her beautiful life.
Then I sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday.
Can you really love me?
I snapped at my fiancé. He was just trying to help me, but his words stung my pride so I decided to sting his heart.
When I apologized later, I made sure to word it so he’d know it was mostly his fault.
Can you really love me?
I stood in church during worship time, eyes closed and palms upward. I wondered if the people behind me noticed how holy I looked.
I don’t remember what I was thinking about while singing those songs. But I know it wasn’t about you.
Can you really love me?
I talked about someone behind their back today. I felt bad, but they’re just so frustrating and the person I was talking with feels the same way about them.
A few hours later, I ran into the person we talked about. I gave them the biggest smile and asked how their day was.
Can you really love me?
I laid on the couch for three hours after dinner. I was going to catch up on my Bible study homework or reach out to that friend who’s going through something hard. But I was tired, so I watched a show on Netflix until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I didn’t even like the show that much.
Can you really love me?
I cursed (like, really cursed) and I didn’t feel bad about it.
Not even a little.
Can you really love me?
I swiped my credit card for the sixth time this week. There was an outfit on Amazon I just couldn’t resist.
I haven’t tithed in six months.
Can you really love me?
I did it again. That thing I promised you I wouldn’t do anymore.
I did it. Again. And I didn’t even try to stop.
Can you really love me?
Daughter.
Yes?
Lean in closer. I have something to show you.
Okay.
Do you see these scars? The ones on my hands, my feet, my side, my head?
Yes.
Do you remember how I got them?
Yes.
Do you remember why?
Yes.
Look me in the eye, my child. I don’t mind your tears.
Are you listening?
I really, really, really love you.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Kati Lynn Davis grew up in Chester County. After a brief stay on the other side of Pennsylvania to earn a writing degree from the University of Pittsburgh, she returned to the area and got a job working for a local library. When she isn’t writing, Kati enjoys reading, drawing, watching movies (especially animated ones!), drinking bubble tea, hanging out with her family cat, and going for very slow runs. Kati is pretty sure she’s an Enneagram 4 but is constantly having an identity crisis over it, so thankfully she’s learning to root her sense of self in Jesus.