This is adapted from something I shared on Instagram a couple of months ago:
If there’s ever been a time I’ve felt less deserving of God’s gifts, it’s now.
I cried three separate times today. Dirty laundry and unanswered texts are piling higher and higher. I’m in a constant state of exhaustion and overwhelm.
I can easily name the things causing this season of turmoil. Most of them have to do with some sort of change or transition in my life — which, historically, is when my mental health starts to plummet. What’s frustrating about all of this is that I can’t bring myself to do the things I know will help.
Spiritual rhythms feel out of my reach, replaced by unhealthy cycles of screen time and sleep procrastination.
I make it to church and my group Bible study most weeks, but personal practices of prayer and Scripture reading are almost nonexistent.
Worst of all, I’ve been struggling harder than ever with a sin I’ve lived in freedom from for over three years.
In other words, the time I feel my need for God the most is when I can’t seem to make time for Him at all. But if there’s anything I’ve been learning in this season (as Sarah Sparks so eloquently put in a recent post), God doesn’t reserve His gifts for the deserving.
Case in point: I was single for twenty-eight years. A few months before meeting my now fiancé, I was thriving spiritually. Daily Bible reading. Devoted time to prayer. Occasional fasting, even. What a saint (she secretly thought).
When I met the man I’m engaged to now, I was already starting to slip when it came to my daily spiritual rhythms. A few months into our relationship, it felt like I had nosedived off the high horse of my high performing faith. A year later, it feels like I’m still barely hanging onto the saddle of that galloping horse.
I’m taking baby steps back into those habits my soul so desperately needs, but I still feel very far from the girl who spent half an hour working through her Bible-in-a-year plan every morning. And I’m trusting that God will meet me here. That He already has, even if it’s in ways that are harder to recognize than the pages of His Word.
One of them is through my partner.
Growing up, these were the types of things I heard from well-meaning Christians trying to encourage me in my singleness:
“God will give you a husband once you learn to put Him first in your life.”
“God will bring you a man when He knows you’re ready.”
“Run so hard after God that the right man will have to run even harder to keep up.”
There have been several times in my life when, if you had asked and I answered honestly, I would have told you that I felt like I deserved for God to give me a husband. Those were times when I was on top of my spiritual game, when I could measure my faithfulness by the number of minutes I spent reading my Bible or sitting in church or praying in front of the window in my bedroom.
So if you asked me to look at my life over the last year, a year when I spent five minutes in my Bible or in prayer on a good day, and tell you if I deserved the very good gift of a man who loves both me and God more than I could ever have dreamed, it would have been an easy no.
But God gave him to me anyway.
Because, if there’s anything we know about our Father, the only people He gives good gifts to are the ones who never deserved them.
“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” Ephesians 2:8–9
“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” 1 John 4:18–19
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1–2
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Kati Lynn Davis grew up in Chester County. After a brief stay on the other side of Pennsylvania to earn a writing degree from the University of Pittsburgh, she returned to the area and got a job working for a local library. When she isn’t writing, Kati enjoys reading, drawing, watching movies (especially animated ones!), drinking bubble tea, hanging out with her family cat, and going for very slow runs. Kati is pretty sure she’s an Enneagram 4 but is constantly having an identity crisis over it, so thankfully she’s learning to root her sense of self in Jesus.
Willowdale Women's Zumba Night
July 26, 7:00 - 8:30pm
Willowdale Women are invited to join us for a fun night of Zumba: engaging group dance/exercise performed to upbeat Latin music, led by our own Leslie Thomas. This will take place on July 26 from 7:00 - 8:30 p.m. We welcome all skill levels. If you've never done Zumba, come and learn! If you have any questions, please reach out to Carole Hoy.