I’ve always considered myself an expert multi-tasker and a bit of a perfectionist. It has been both a blessing and a flaw, as I find it leads to my putting too much pressure on myself to achieve everything I set my mind to. These last few weeks at home have certainly put my multi-tasking to the test. On any given day, I am expected to teach my children, teach my students, manage my children while teaching my students, feed my family, keep the house tidy, keep the house quiet while my husband is on a work call, get outside, limit screen time, talk to friends, and make sure my kids do not miss their video calls for school. Day 1: I got this, no problem, I’m supermom. Day 10: I can’t do it, no way, I’m a failure.
Why do we put these pressures on ourselves to do everything so perfectly? Looking at the list of tasks I needed to achieve in a day, it was impossible. Not just for me, but for any human being. No one can successfully do all of those things with fidelity. It is impossible. So why then, did I think I could? It didn’t take long for me to break under all of the pressure I was putting on myself. My anxiety kicked in and I began to panic that I just couldn’t do it. After talking with my husband, I decided that it was okay to let things go a bit with the kids’ schooling. They are only five years old, and it is not the end of the world if they miss what Letter Buddy blend the class is working on for the week. They will still learn to read. They will still learn to write. Missing a few pre-k lessons is not going to prevent them from being fully functioning adults one day. It was okay. I set stricter guidelines for my work hours so I had a clearer boundary between home and school. My students would still get lesson plans. My students would still get face time with me. Pooling additional resources instead of creating everything from scratch is not going to prevent them from learning. It was okay. I made it a goal to spend more time outside and interacting with my family. The world will still turn. The work will still get done. A little bit of sunshine and family time is not going to destroy my home and my plans. It was okay.
In taking the extra time for self-care and family, I realized that there was someone else I had pushed aside who was ultimately the most important part of the picture – God. In making so much time for everything and everyone else, I had pushed Christ aside. I was behind on my daily devotionals, Bible Recap readings, and about three weeks behind on Sunday services. I decided that instead of working through my breakfast and lunch for the next few days, I would use that time to get caught up on everything I had missed. Starting my day off with a Sunday service or mid-week devotional video significantly improved my mood and outlook on the day. I began to feel empowered in my daily living and found myself praying more throughout the day. Despite that, I still felt guilty that I wasn’t able to do it all. That my changing of my initial plans meant I was a failure. Not to mention that even with some changes, I was still really struggling.
I decided to put in a prayer request through the Willowdale website. While writing that request, I broke down in tears. Everything that I had kept inside boiled over. The fear, the stress, the shame – it all came pouring out. There was this overwhelming sense of relief knowing that I finally said something. I stood up to my brothers and sisters in Christ and essentially yelled “HELP!” I am grateful to God for giving me the strength to say that I wasn’t okay. In all honesty, just saying that I needed the help took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I had to learn that it’s okay not to be okay.
There is a song by We Are Messengers titled “Maybe It’s Ok” and the chorus states, “Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok, ‘cause the One who holds the world is holding on to me. Maybe it’s alright if I’m not alright, ‘cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life.” That song just popped into my head as I was writing this. My cousin and I have this thing where we always say “no coincidences” to one another to allude to the fact that everything is part of God’s design. Remembering that song was certainly “no coincidence.” He is here, even in the darkness, lifting the weight from our shoulders and holding on to our fears. We just have to remember to give them to Him. Deuteronomy 33:12 states “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” During this difficult time, rest between His shoulders and let Him shield you. Remember that it is okay not to be okay.
Welcome to our New Blogger
Lisa Replogle has had a long, ever-changing journey in her relationship with Christ, and she is excited to share what she has learned along the way. She is a certified early childhood and special education teacher and currently teaches high school multiple disability support. She spends her time outside the classroom sharing her passion for dance with local groups for individuals with special needs. Lisa and her husband are the parents of five-year-old identical twin boys.
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