It is Mental Health Awareness Month – a recognition of the struggles some people face, often silently. I’ll share my testimony because it is my constant reminder of God’s love. It is a battle with depression that almost won. My story is no less or greater than any individual's story – we are all different and important. I share as an awareness, as a hope, as a testament to God's glory, resilience, promise, and ultimately, His love.
I began my battle with depression in 2014. My battle felt like I was walking down the street, tripped, and landed on my knees. It hurts. They're bruised. But I get up, dust myself off and keep walking. Then I get to the next block and trip again, falling on those same bruised knees. Each block I would fall; each time it hurt a little bit more than the last. For months and months I kept tripping down the street, until I reached a point where I couldn’t walk any longer. I grew to have such tunnel vision I only saw one way to end the pain. At the time I felt I tried everything. Nothing was working, and I kept falling.
After about two years of mostly downs, one night I went to bed feeling the worst yet. I thought, “this is it, I’m done with this thing called life.” I was convinced suicide was my only way to stop the pain. But for some reason I thought I should go teach my swim lessons the next morning. Because when teaching kids, I put on my “happy mask.” And oftentimes I would leave the pool and when taking off my “mask”, a little piece would remain – a little piece that was just enough to get me through.
So the next morning I got up and went to the pool, hoping for the little piece to remain. After a few lessons, I was talking to the mother of a swimmer. Long story short, she invited me to Willowdale Chapel. On the outside I smiled and said, “Yeah, maybe, let me check my schedule,” knowing full well I do absolutely nothing on a Sunday morning. On the inside I was laughing a bit. I mean, who invites a stranger to church? She did not know me outside of the YMCA. She did not know I did not go to church. So we parted ways, and I went on to teach a few more hours.
As I walked out to my car, I pulled off my “mask” with not a single piece remaining. I dreaded going home, back to reality. I was driving somberly, when my earlier conversation popped back into my head. I had heard good things about Willowdale Chapel. It’s not the first time I considered attending a Sunday. So I thought, “What’s one Sunday morning; what’s one more week?”
So the following Sunday I went to church. I remember three things about my first Sunday:
The music is pretty good!
The message was presented as if Greg were speaking to me. As bad as this sounds, I was able to take God out of the message and it applied to my life and what I was going through. There was one sentence I hung on to. It made me want to hear more.
After the service, the woman behind me came up and said “hi.” We exchanged pleasantries and she started asking who I was. Here’s a woman who knew nothing about me, caring. Not to say I didn’t have people who loved me, I most certainly did and do. Like I said earlier, I had such tunnel vision, all those people were hiding in my dark. And here this woman stepped into my light. She hoped to see me the following week. As I drove away, I made a promise to myself that I’d see her again. So I kept going back. I kept learning from the message – still taking God out.
Just shy of a year after starting at Willowdale Chapel, my first son was born. And soon after, the woman who first said “hi” asked me to join a women’s Bible study. I didn’t realize what I was getting into. I thought, “Sure, what’s one Wednesday morning when I have nothing else to do anyway?!” There I met an amazing group of women who cared and loved me and my son, when again, they didn’t even know me! I quickly realized how many people had stepped into my light over that year. And how those who were hiding in my dark came back in. And how my tunnel vision became wider and wider. And, how I grew! I continued to learn more about the Bible and about God. It changed not only my sight but my mindset.
Soon I looked forward to Sunday sermons and Wednesday studies – seeing people I knew, learning from the message. And soon God stuck around. I let Him in little by little.
Since I first stepped foot in Willowdale on a Sunday morning, my life has forever changed. My depression gradually diminished. My joy and gratitude increased. I was baptized three years later. I continue to learn, grow, and pray. There is always a risk that I’ll falter and my mind will rush back to sadness – it has since. But I’m not worried. My mindset has shifted to positive. My knees are healed. And I know if I fall (when I fall), God will pick me back up, brush me off, and hand me a walker so I won’t fall again (the key is using it).
When I think of my journey, it always amazes me seeing where God closed doors I wanted open. How He sought me and I continually pushed Him away. He never gives up, He always forgives, He always loves. He's not done with me yet, and now I spread His glory!
No matter your struggles, no matter your battles, you are welcome…no…you are WANTED here!
Isaiah 40:31“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
If you or someone you are struggling with depression, suicide, anxiety, etc., please consider giving the Peacemaker Center a call and talking with one of the awesome counselors! 610-269-2661 https://www.thepeacemakercenter.org/
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
A former teacher, coach and personal trainer, Kristin Ryan now loves being a stay-at-home mom. As someone who has more recently found Christianity, she enjoys learning and growing in her faith and is excited to share her experience with others. Kristin and her husband, Casey, have three small children (one was born during the pandemic) and one big dog.